Is she or he still connected to the power supply? If so, SWITCH OFF THE POWER
IMMEDIATELY. Electricity costs an absolute fortune, and it would be going to
waste. Check the victim's pulse. (If you can find their wrist amongst the
stack of charred bones and greasy, bubbling flesh that was once a human
being.) And do try not to be squeamish about it. Drive the victim to the
nearest emergency department. You can use him or her to jumpstart the engine
if need be.
Burns and scalds
Run the affected area under a cold tap as soon as possible. (If the victim's
entire body is a swirling mass of flames, it may be a little too late for
this.) If the victim has spilt hot liquid over his or her clothes, then
REMOVE CLOTHING IMMEDIATELY. You never can tell; the sight of you parading
around naked may cheer them up and take their mind off their injuries. Remind
the victim that worse things happen at sea. Cite drowning as an example.
Fractures and broken limbs
Check the injured area to see if the break or fracture has resulted in a
tubular shard of shearing white bone jutting outwards through the bloody mass
of flesh. If it has, then tell the victim that they are going to die. This
always puts the wind up them. Tie a splint to the victim's leg and ask them
to walk up and down for a few minutes. They will probably fall down,
unconscious, making the rest of your job easier. Do not move the broken or
fractured limb as this may result in an abnormal position. However, if you're
feeling daring, try pointing legs in the wrong direction, bending wrists
through 180 degrees, etc. It really is amazing the number of fascinating
contortions you can produce. Far better than Play-Doh.
Choking On Food
Try to dislodge the article blocking the victims windpipe by punching them
hard in the stomach. Do remember to duck before the particles of food hit you
in the eye, however. Call the waiter and ask for a 20 percent reduction on
the bill. Make a mental note to order soup next time.
Cuts And Wounds
Dress the wound, whatever that means. Try and limit the blood loss by tying a
tourniquet tightly around the victim's throat until they experience
difficulty in breathing. Ha ha, only kidding. Tie the tourniquet just above
the wound. Just my little joke. Stitch up the wound with aluminum wire. Ha
ha! Caught you again! Outsmarted you! Still, I am an expert, you know.
Objects Stuck In The Eye
Rinse the victim's eye in lukewarm water. DO NOT USE SOAP AS WELL, IDIOT.
Offer to pick the object out of the victims eye with your teeth. This usually
results in the object mysteriously "going away" and not bothering the victim
any more before you can get to it.
Concussion
When the victim comes round, ask them what day it is, who the Prime Minister
is, how many fingers you are holding up. To make it more difficult, hold the
fingers up behind your back. Then tot up the victims score and send it to me
at this address:
Dr. Brain D'Eath,
Concussion Quiz
P.O.Box 312,London
The highest score wins a mystery prize.
Talk in Swahili to disorient the victim a bit more. Yes, there's a whole
bundle of laughs when it comes to concussion. Here's a good one: before the
victim comes round, switch off all the lights. When he/she regains
consciousness, shout "Thank God! We thought you might be dead, or blinded or
something."
