1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not
ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it's up, Put it
down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always
more attractive than short hair. One of the big
reasons guys fear getting married is that married
women always cut their hair, and by then, you are
stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not
quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet
again!
5. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to,
expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live
with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you
are prepared to discuss such topics as gangster rap,
the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday = sports. It's like the full moon or the
changing of the tides.
Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going
to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything
you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not
work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never
will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are
bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you
think we'd be any good at choosing which pair, out of
thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to
almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help
solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your
girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a
problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective
than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to
take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in
an argument. All comments become null and void after
7 days.
28. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret
girls, don't expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,
and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant
the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it is
genetic.
31. Don't rub the lamp if you don't want the genie to
come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us
how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to
say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and
neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose
their right to complain about having their boobs
stared at.
36. More women should wear Wonderbras and low-cut
blouses. We like staring at boobs.
37. The relationship is never going to be like it was
the first two months we were going out.
38. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows
default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
39. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
40. If it itches, it will be scratched.
41. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags are for
you.
42. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY
stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
43. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our
lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how
little we care about you.
44. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," we
will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying,
but it is just not worth the hassle.
45. If we hear from an old girlfriend, we will briefly
fantasize about having sex with her. But do not worry;
the fantasy includes you AND her, together.
